dhl is the suck

I’ve always had a little mistrust for dhl – the ups wannabes – but never had a solid reason why.  Oh, except for the package they delivered to my husband by placing it at the door of the people 6 doors down from us – luckily my husband was expecting a dhl package, so he glanced down at it as he walked past, and sure enough, it had his name on it.  It wasn’t even mislabeled or anything.  How hard is it to match an address?  I mean, if it’s like YOUR JOB.  The ONE thing you were HIRED to do?

So when I ordered my shiny new happiness last week, I was dismayed to get the confirmation email that stated that shipment would be via dhl.  Now, I had opted for the normal ‘free’ shipping – so I guess I shoulda known that I was gonna get exactly what I paid for.

As soon as dell sent me my tracking number, I registered with dhl so they would send me email updates.  Specifically, I wanted to know when my package was out for delivery.  It was a signature-required package, so I wanted to be able to like, oh, be home when they delivered my package.  I checked my email all day today, and the last thing dhl sent me was a notification that my package had arrived at the local chantilly facility.  There was no ‘Your package is out for delivery notification.’  So I worked late today, in anticipation of a delivery attempt early next week that I might want to bail out of work early for.

When I got home, the husband let me know that dhl tried and failed to deliver my package today.  They left a note on the door stating that they would redeliver on monday.  And there was a phone number in case I had any questions.  There was no ‘Your package will be at X after Y o’clock and available for pickup’ on the note.  Like, say, ups, fedex, and the good ol’ usps provide. 

I grumbled at dhl and assumed they wouldn’t have a pick-up facility.  Because, well, surely they would have mentioned it on their note?  After dinner, the husband finally convinced me to call the number and ask if I could pick the package up.  Well, it so happens that I was able to do just that.  The lady on the phone was ever so helpful, even giving me the address of the facility, and calling the facility to let them know I was on my way to pick up my package.  She was very adamant that the place closed at 8, and I was all, relax lady, it’s a quarter to 7 … 

I arrived at the chantilly dhl office at 7:15 expecting them to have already located my package.  I was expecting to be in and out in 5 or 10 minutes.  I should have known something was up when I got there and found 8 or 10 cars in the parking lot.

I entered the lobby of the dhl facility and found 10 people already waiting.  No one behind the counter.  Only one guy had seen a dhl employee, he had given her his slip.  20 minutes earlier.

We could hear several dhl employees.  They were having some kind of fight.  I’m not sure what about, but it was very animated.  I played my daily sudoku game on my phone.  And then I surfed the internet on my phone – brit lost custody of her kids.  And there are 5 states that you can get executed in for child-rape, though the last person executed for it was in 1964.

By 7:30, there were 20 or so people in the lobby.  Still no sight of a dhl employee.  No one knew exactly what was going on.  Some people left. 

7:35, a dhl employee sighting!  Oh, but she was on her way out.  She had been there since 5 am, I guess I won’t begrudge her for going home.  She promised that there were still dhl employees there. 

7:38, a slightly tipsy man in the back told his girlfriend he was going to put her in a dhl box and ship her.  And she would be LOST FOREVER because it was dhl, and he would get away with murder.  We all agreed it was a fool-proof plot.

7:40, a man in the lobby called dhl’s chantilly office.  To let them know there were 25 impatient people in the lobby – and 5 more outside.  In 35 degree weather. 

7:45, a surprisingly pleasant ups man showed up behind the counter.  No, for real, he was wearing a ups shirt.  Cross my heart.  After reassuring everyone that dhl was his part-time gig, he asked for ashburn and south riding slips.  Because, well, those were the trucks that had already made it back.  Lucky for me, I was in that group, so I handed him my slip. 

The man who had seen his slip disappear almost an hour earlier asked the ups man if there was still a dhl lady back there, and if she was like, crushed and dying under a pile of heavy boxes.  Because, well, that is the most reasonable explanation for why she would take his slip, and then disappear for nearly an HOUR without checking on the status of the lobby.  Or without coming back to let him know she was still looking. 

7:50, the elusive dhl lady showed up and gave the very angry man his package.  She took some more slips.  The ups man arrived with a few boxes, and had the dhl lady sign them out.  (As a ups man, he had no such package sign-out privileges.) 

7:52, a man arrived to SHIP packages.  Like A LOT of packages.  He brought them ALL into the lobby – building a fort almost completely around one man.  We were all bewildered as to why anyone would choose to ship via dhl.  And why he had to bring all his boxes into the lobby while it was packed with people. 

7:55, the ups man arrived with my package!  He called out my street, in lieu of my name.  Didn’t feel up to the challenge of ‘akaemi,’ I guess.  I moved up to the counter and gazed longingly at my box.

8:00, closing time for the chantilly office.  There were still 20 people in the lobby.  No dhl employee had arrived to let me sign out my package.  I contemplated taking it and running.  And then I contemplated opening it and playing with it on the counter.

8:05, two dhl men showed up and started handing out packages.  Tipsy got his and signed out before me.  As the dhl men were about to scurry off to locate more packages, I begged them to sign me out, seeing as my box was RIGHT in FRONT of me on the COUNTER.  They obliged, and I was able to finally leave that horrible, horrible place.