After a week and a half of being very deeply not ok, I realized I was in way over my head.
I needed a team.
I didn’t know it at the time – I wouldn’t have believed it at the time: but I DESERVED a team. If you are reading this, I want you to know: You deserve a team. You deserve people who have your back, you deserve people who will push you forward, you deserve people who will sit with you in a closet, you deserve people who will be there to help you out of it.
Here’s the crazy thing about anxiety: it’s way too easy to look ok to the rest of the world, when you are super not ok.
It’s way too easy to look ok to people you live with, when you are super not ok.
I mean: the husband knew I was having a rough go of things, on some level. But I had a brave face and was still moving forward and all of my worst, inconsolable breakdowns: they happened in a closet behind closed doors.
He did not know how not ok I was because I was not showing him how not ok I was.
So first team member: I recruited the husband.
My primary care provider had retired, and so I found a new one. Luckily I already had a recommendation from a friend, and luckily, she had openings.
Made an appointment with my gynecologist. Hormones can be brutal.
Found a therapist. Who was TERRIBLE. Found a new therapist.
Who gave a recommendation for a dietician. (That whole not eating thing? I was in a really bad place. The dietician was a God-send.)
And the new therapist also gave a recommendation for a psychiatrist. (I know drugs aren’t for everyone, but – especially if you have a family history of mental illness: consider drugs.)
I reached out to family.
I reached out to friends, especially friends who had BEEN there.
There are people who are part of my team who had no idea I had recruited them. And my team: it was bigger than I could have ever imagined. And they KEPT reaching out to me, even after I found my footing and was in an okayer place.
And I recognize how fortunate I am to have access to health care: I have 5 medical professionals on my team. That should not be a luxury, but somehow it has become one in this crazy world we live in.
Get yourself a team. It is terrifying. There are people who won’t join. But there are people who will! We are not meant to live these lives of ours alone.
You deserve a team.
And once you’ve got your team? Get working on that toolkit.