12 months ago today, I fell apart.
Into a million pieces.
I was inconsolable.
I lived in my closet.
I used up all of my vacation time.
I took out a vacation loan. And I used up all of that.
I stopped eating.
And that was all before 2020 really brought it! So … it’s been a rough 12 months. I know it’s been a rough 12 months for all of us, and not to brag or anything … but I really got a running start on it all.
I live with anxiety. That is a thing about me. I have spent 40 years holding it together. When a chink fell off, I picked it up and fit it back in. There were always chinks falling off. But always, always, I held it together.
Turns out: that is not the best way to handle anxiety. Focusing on the superficial means you never really get to the source.
Falling apart is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Being untethered is terrifyingly lonely. But …. but …
When you are unmoored and broken into a million pieces, with all your bits around you on your closet floor: you get to see yourself.
You get to see what you hold at your core.
And … for me at least: it is no wonder I am an anxious mess. At my core, at my center, the foundation I built everything on top of, I held the ideas that: I am not worth loving. Not worth listening to. Not worth knowing.
No wonder chinks kept falling off! That is not a solid foundation to build on.
It feels absurd typing those words. It felt absurd admitting to myself that I felt that way about myself. Because: those things are not true about any other living soul on this planet, THAT I know. So, as a logical person, I also know that it is highly, highly unlikely that those things are true about me.
The first step to change, to growth, is to really and truly SEE that thing that you want to change. But, oh, there are so many steps to take after that.
Luckily for me, I am a woman of action. When I have a problem, I need to DO something. When I am relaxing, I like to DO something. When I am learning: more DOING.
So, after a week and a half of being the most not ok I have ever been in my life: I started DOING something about it.